Guide to successfully meeting men at the Gay clubs.
The first step in having a relationship is to meet someone. If you have the courage to go up to people and ask, you have a tremendous advantage.
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You aren’t going to have a boyfriend without actually meeing Gay men.
Though there is a disco song its raining men, meteorologists have never observed that to happen. If you are going to have a boyfriend you need to make an effort to meet Gay men. You will also need a strategy.
A lot of Gays on TikTok have a short comedy where the person complains they don’t have a boyfriend, and there is another person asking a series of questions, “Do you go to clubs?,” “Are you on the apps?” etc. and the answer is no, no, no.
The joke is that the person makes zero effort to meet anyone and yet complains they don’t have a boyfriend.
I was fairly successful at meeting men at the clubs. I have also have had a boyfriend about 86% of my life after coming out. My current boyfriend and I will have been together 33 years this coming Thanksgiving.
Though the advice for meeting people at the club maybe somewhat dated, the strategies are broadly usable to many situations and much might be applied to current clubs.
Essay continued after videos.
Very early music video. It used to be played at the clubs all the time.
Turn down people graciously and smiling and be seen as friendly.
You might have every reason to be annoyed. You might have studiously avoided eye contact with an individual and you have moved three times in the club to avoid him. However, the person has come up to you and talked to you with hopes of picking you up.
DO NOT BE SEEN AS HOSTILE.
Let me say it again, in boldface, do not be seen as hostile.
You should be gracious anyways, it is a good habit to cultivate, but there are practical reasons to be gracious.
A common expression is that a person acted ugly, that he acted badly. To many people you are ugly if badly behaved.
There are the following reasons to consider.
First, you don’t want to have this person being hostile to you and bad mouthing you at the clubs.
Second, though you don’t want to get picked up by this person, he might be an interesting person and someone to know. A mature individual understands that they aren’t everyone’s desire, but open to getting to know new people.
Third, others who might be considering talking to you are observing you. Most people find it challenging to go up to talk to a person and have to overcome fear to do so. If they observe you being very negative in your response, they might not decide to come talk to you.
Fourth, the person who you are rejecting, probably has friends, and if you respond badly to the person being rejected, likely there is a group of people that will see you negatively. You might get the reputation of being “miss thing.”
Generally, you want to have the reputation of being an approachable person. A nework of friends means other people who are friends of your friends can ask you friend to introduce themselves to you since they might not have the courage to directly approach you.
You will need to have some way to reject someone graciously. Indirect is the best. One time, I started to realize a person at the bar was talking me up, not because we had a shared interest in classical music, but to pick me up. I pointed to a person passing by and remarked that the person was hot. The person was very different from him so he realized I wasn’t interested. He was markedly less interested in discussing classical music after that.
A person shouldn’t ask you why you are rejecting him. You aren’t interested, and you shouldn’t have to explain it. If you don’t desire the person, you don’t desire the person. It is a bad sign about the person who is asking it. You should say, “I’m just not feeling it,” or “Who can explain why people are attracted to each other?”
You don’t want to start running the person down. Even if the person is really undesirable, it isn’ up to you to tell the person and you will just get an enemy or end up in a really unpleasant discussion.
When you are rejected, let the person know that he can change his mind.
Just say, “Feel free to change your mind.” Probably it won’t happen, but it might. You might have been his 2nd or 3rd choice and when the person is rejected, by his 1st and 2nd choice, you will want him to feel free to come back to see you.
The goal is to meet people.
If you are all upset that you were the second choice or third choice and don’t want to meet with him, you are actually doing him a favor, since he has escaped getting involved with a person is emotionally driven. That is the undesired “drama queen.”
Be Fearless
Not being afraid will give you a huge advantage. I am going to break this topic into sections. The discussion of the strategic advantage will be at the end.
Be fearless - time is wasting.
First thing when you get to the club, is have an alcoholic drink. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. However, you shouldn’t have more than two drinks in 4 hours and the second drink should be about 1.5 hours later and a little before two hours before club closing if you have to drive home.
Excessive alcohol mpairs your judgement. You can endup going home with someone and regret it. People don’t like drunks. Alcohol is high in food calories. Intoxication can result in unsafe sex.
Be fearless. Again in caps. BE FEARLESS.
If you see someone who interests you, go up and talk to him without excessive delay.
A lot of Gays will spend a lot of time trying to get the courage to ask the person, or they will wait and hope the person they are interested in comes talk to them.
Standing around and wasting time getting the courage to go talk to a person is a strategy for defeat.
One thing that can happen while you are spending time trying to get the courage to ask someone, is that someone else will go up and talk to the person you are interested in and it is a successful encounter and they leave together.
Another thing that can happen, is the person you are interested, decides he wants to go to another club.
The biggest issue though is that you are sitting around not meeting anyone, but unsecessfully dealing with fear of rejection.
The time you have to meet a person at a club is limited, you can’t be wasting time trying to get courage to go up and talk to him.
Typically you show up at a club no earlier than 10:30 pm. The bar is closing at 2pm. You have 3.5 hours to meet someone, however, after 1pm, meeting people can be problematic. So you have 2.5 hours. The first 30 minutes is waiting for others to show up and for assessing who is there and who you might be interested in. People often won’t be ready to make a decision or thinking about going home with someone until after 11 pm. In the end it is 2 hours to meet people, 120 minutes. If you are just waiting and waiting the time will be over and you will have meet no one.
After 1pm you will tend to make decisions in panic and finally get the courage because the bar is going to close. Also, a lot of the possible choices will have already meet someone and left or haven’t meet anyone and decided to leave rather than make a desperate choice.
Overcoming fear of rejection.
The reason Gays just don’t go up to talk to the person they are interested in, is fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection is based of insecurity regarding self-worth. It is irrational but a powerful fear.
In a club people, in your mind you might imagine an audience seeing you being rejected.
To overcome the fear of rejection is it useful to think it through. You need to understand that there is no rational basis for it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a serious barrier, but understanding it as being irrational is the beginning of overcoming this fear.
First thing, you aren’t that important. No one is paying attention to you approaching someone except for that persons friends, and a person you is hoping to meet you.
If there is actually someone who is actually making a negative assessment when you are rejected, you don’t ever want to meet that person and very likely you don’t want to meet his friends. But it is unlikely that anyone cares except you.
Rejection actually has no negative consequence other than the person isn’t going to be a contact or spending the evening with you.
Your house or apartment will not burst into flames. You won’t develop boils on your body, you won’t have hair falling out. Nothing is happening except your pride is wounded and that is self-inflicted.
There won’t be any material change in your situation.
There is a big positive in that now you can move on to consider someone else.
A lot of reasons you get rejected really has nothing to do with you. You might not be the person’s type. Or your face might remind him of someone who he dislikes, maybe at an unconscious level. It might be he just broke up with someone. It might be that he is moving out of the city in a few weeks. The person might be only interested in people 20 years older than you are or 20 years younger.
Another thing to consider, is that there is something about you that the person is really into. The shape of your nose or some aspect may be a thing that inflames his desires. You might think the other person is supermodel out of your league, but he is really into people with six fingers and you are it. He might be fearful of rejection and hoping you ask. You won’t know until you ask.
People often are into types different than themselves, so they don’t see their own desirability. You want that muscled guy, he might be strongly desiring you because you are a really thin person. He thinks you are out of his league and is afraid of talking to you. You don’t know until you ask.
However, even if it is the worse situation, he feels he can do better than you, so what? Again, his rejection doesn’t change you. There is no material consequence. You are no less or no more attractive than you were before you were turned down.
You need to start analyzing your motivations and come up with some mechanism to overcome your fear of rejection and be able to go up to people and talk to them.
Whining.
Whining in life doesn’t do you any good and annoys others. Yes it hard to go up to people. Yes, you might feel bad. It feels bad because you haven’t thought through it and you don’t like to do any hard thinking.
Maybe your fear of meeting people is your “lived experience.” If so you lived experience will also be frequently going home alone after the bar closes.
The rewards in life are usually obtained by overcoming difficulties. In short, do you want to be a winner at the bar, or a loser?
Whining means you aren’t thinking of how to overcome a difficulty.
Suck it up daffodil.
Helping friends.
If they are wasting time trying to build up courage, look to the heaveans and roll your eyes and say to the person, “I suppose this is going to be another evening of you going home alone and then we have to hear about it.” Don’t coddle them. They know you are right, and they basically need a very strong message to get moving.
Generally when you roll your eyes, there should be an expression perceived by your friend that their behavior is a trial that you have to bear. It will shutdown further whining.
When rejected you get no more than 15 minutes to recover.
This is 15 minutes of valuable time being totally wasted, but some of you just lack a strong personality and so instead of letting you go into feeling sorry for yourself for more than 15 minutes, setting a time limit of 15 minutes is useful.
If you are still recoving up after 15 minutes, I offer this inspiring message.
“Suck it up daffodil.”
The strategic advantage of being fearless.
Most of the people at the Gay bar will be fearful of rejection. They will wait excessively to build up their courage and lose time, or just not be able to get the courage to go up to meet somone.
If you are fearless, you have a strategic advantage to meet people.
Having the courage to just go up and talk to people demonstrates self-confidence and srength, something that is always positively perceived and for some it will something that arouses desire.
While the others are working up their courage to go up and talk to one or two people, or fail entirely, you can be talking to four or more people. Just by the numbers you are way ahead.
If people see you are meeting lots of people, that tells people that you are looking and that they be less fearful and perhaps might go up to talk to you.
If it is past midnight, if the person you are talking to is a person who simply is afraid to go up to people, and waits to be asked, that person has to consider that it is either you or nothing.
For some people saying yes to you, will be an opportunity to avoid the fear of rejection. They will be happy someone asked them rather than they having to work up the courage to ask someone. They know that their usual evening is working up the courage to ask one person and risking rejection and risking a high chance of going home alone.
If you don’t meet anyone, you won’t be going home thinking I wish I asked so and so or didn’t wait, etc. You made a good effort. This will be unlikely, but if it happens, you will not be wishing you had done this or that.
Being fearless applies to other situations.
If you are at a social function, event, or some other meeting of Gay people, don’t let fear of rejection prevent you from meeting people.
Meeting people is a step to finding someone for a relationship.
We constitute 3% of the male population. When we are in locations where we can meet other Gay persons, we need to make effective us of our time when we are in these locations.
It is fine to have fun, talk to friends, listen to music, possibly dance, but you shouldn’t let fear of rejection block or delay meeting people.
Don’t complain about being alone when you let fear of rejection prevent you from meeting people.
Other posts giving advice about getting a boyfriend.
