How to react to transmen on hook up apps. w/Update
Don't become the poster person for some transman complaint about "cis" Gays on the apps.
This is a guide for those who are not interested in meeting a transman for sex. If you want to meet a transman for sex then go ahead meet them. Nothing wrong with that. However, this short guide isn’t for you.
Update: I did not know earlier whether Apps were going to police Gay people on their reactions to transmen approaching them on Grindr. Evidently they are.
The following is what I had written before. It is no longer valid.
I don’t know if the apps will ban you for what you might say to a transman. There have been some claims that they have, but I haven’t been able to track down a source to confirm. I am not saying it is untrue either.
You can end up as the villain on social media.
I do know that there are trans who do screen capture of conversations and post them.
https://transmenongrindr.tumblr.com/
Or this one.
https://grindrwhiletrans.tumblr.com/
Notice on the 2nd tumblr blog, there is no concern about the anonymity of the user. You can see the name and the miniature icon picture of the user. Transmen often come into the Gay community with no idea of cultural norms in the Gay community and often little concern to find out what they are, in particular respecting the person’s own management of who knows that he is Gay.
No respect for privacy in this article either.
https://the-niche.blog/2020/05/26/the-five-chasers-you-meet-on-grindr/
A lot of “Gay” Transmen like to complain when Gay men aren’t interested in them. A conversation you had with a transman where you rejected him or even just asked him a question might be in a news story. Or you might get a ragging tirade from the trans person. Or perhaps reported to the app for this or that.
Some trans are enraged about Gay men because Gays aren’t interested in transmen or that Gay men aren’t like straight men courting women. Like in the following article where the transman uses terms like “cis fag.”
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2021/11/09/62604389/diary-of-a-hole
You can be fairly assured that every Gay man who the transman mentions in this article, “Diary of a Hole, wishes he that he had never talked to the transman or met him.
However, not all transmen are like this either. Some understand quite well that they are not desired by many Gay men and also most trans are just looking for someone and not having a grudge against Gays.
The basic idea you need to understand is this: Less is more.
That is minimize communication, preferably to no communication if possible.
So here are some precautions.
Part 1: Before You Reply to the message.
1. Don’t be so sure you can tell from the picture. Some transmen can pass fairly well as Gay men. They put things like packers in their pants so it looks like they have a cock.
2. Check the profile. CHECK THE PROFILE. A lot of trans will say they are trans. So don’t contact them and then in conversation find out that they are trans so you have contacted them, got their hopes up, and now will reject them.
Some however won’t, and construct their profiles such that they obscure this fact. I will write up something on how you might tell.
3. If they say they are trans in the profile, just don’t reply.
In an ideal world it would be better if you could do at least as a courtesy reply and say you aren’t interested, but that could just lead to the question “Why?” You don’t want to get a conversation started.
Also, a lot of people are away from their apps or miss messages or just don’t reply. So your lack of reply isn’t exceptional or indicating of trans rejection.
4. Don’t ask if they are trans either. It is sort of apparent that you are screening out trans and it starts a conversation about them being trans and trans in general and why won’t you consider a transman.
5. Don’t block the transman either just on the basis of him contacting you. That starts a story of victimizaton. Now if you are getting a series of messages then blocking might be a good thing and you can feel that you are cyberstalked.
Part2: You Replied And You Then Found Out That They are Trans in Conversation.
1. Don’t ghost them or block them, but bring any conversation to an end as quickly as possible with the least amount said without seeming abrupt. If you ghost them or block them at the point in the conversation that they mention that they are trans it is a give away that you are rejecting them for being trans.
You can just pause in the conversation, people on the apps are often pulled away from the apps for one reason or another. He might not keep the conversation going.
Or you might say you have to go. Make sure you close the app. Wait a little while before you open the app again.
2. Whatever you do don’t say things like I want a real man. Their slogan is, “A trans man is a man,” and saying “real” man is considered transphobic. Avoid the word “real” or synonym of “real” completely.
3. Don’t mention that you want cock. They might tell you they have dildoes and you are supposed to accept that as a cock, or there might be a discussion of “flesh cocks” and it implied that you only one a “flesh cock.” and now you are in a conversation about why you want one and not the other. Believe me the obvious answer is not necessarily obvious to a transman. Avoid giving any reasons whatsoever. Also, they might tell you that they have some phalloplastic creation.
4. Don’t be rude or abrasive. Yes, you could have been talking to someone else instead, and yes, your time was wasted since their profile lacked a key piece of information, but it will just get you banned or suspended or a tirade from the transman. Or some public campaign against you.
5. Don’t ask questions about trans. They complain about that. You might think it is a good way to get a conversation going and be friendly, but they very much complain about this. They are going to be frustrated that Gays don’t date them and they will negatively interpret your convesation.
6. Don’t share your opinions about trans. DO NOT DO THIS! They have likely heard the same opinion a thousand times. They are on the app to meet people not to have a seminar. It is likely that something you might say will be thought offensive.
7. Don’t say anything positive like “great” or anything that might seem to encourage the opinion that you might be interested in getting together.
8. There is really no reason for you to say anything about the subject of trans.
9. If they bring up trans topics there really isn’t a need for you to say anything at all. If pressed on the topic, just don’t respond.
10. Don’t lie in your responses. You very well might be found out and then you will be a transphobic villain. I mean lies like you are quitting the app and forgot to delete your profile or something like that. Or you got a boyfriend and aren’t interested.
Rejecting
1. Avoid actually saying that you reject them or you are not interested if possible. If you have tapered off the discussion it won’t need to be discussed.
2. However, if they make a direct statement, like, “you want to meet up,” just answer “No.” DO NOT GIVE A REASON. You have answered their question.
3. If they ask why. You can stop the conversation. You have answered their question. You don’t owe anyone an answer as to why. Attraction is mysterious. Why are we attracted to any one person and not others? Also, you don’t want to get into running a person down. If for some reason you absolutely have to respond, say “I’m not feeling it.” It gives no reason and no one in the 21st century will dismiss your feelings.
Remember most transmen are just trying to find someone and aren’t out to get you, but there are transmen who are frustrated when they discover Gay men are almost entirely not interested and trans don’t want to date men who are specifically interested in them calling them “chasers.”
Don’t react, think, be polite, brief, and close the conversation.