Relationship extortion. What to do. Sometimes breaking up is what you need to do.
2nd in a series about getting and keeping a relationship.
Subscriptions are free
Help get the word out.
Relationship blackmail.
There are boyfriends who say thinks as follows.
You do that and we’re over!
You do such and such and we’re breaking up!
Maybe I picked the wrong boyfriend!
I don’t know if I can be in a relationship with a person who does such and such. (The manipulator.)
Now what you might be doing is wrong and most people would break up with you over it. You might be the wrong person for your boyfriend. However, the boyfriend is resorting to extortion and not discussing it.
This is how the conversation should go.
Boyfriend: You do that and we’re over!
You: Okay.
And you have broken up.
You can even give it a positive spin, and say, I am thinking about you are saying and you are right, we aren’t compatible.
The extortionist boyfriend might be surprised or shocked that you decided to break up. The boyfriend’s plan was to control the relationship not to break it up. So there might be an attempt by the boyfriend to not breakup.. You really need to carefully consider whether you should get back together. He might be kneeling and bawling and whatever, but that is his problem, not yours.
However, it should be absolutely clear that if he does again, it is over not withstanding any bawling or begging he might do.
Why break up over this.
The boyfriend uses extortion as a tool to control the relationship. If you give into it once, you can expect to be giving into it on a regular basis. The threat won’t even have to be made, because you will imagine the boyfriend making the threat. The boyfriend will have other more subtle ways of implying that the relationship is at risk also.
Sooner or later you will realize that a relationship with an extortionist isn’t good and you will have reached a limit of tolerating it and you wll break up.
Three things.
This isn’t a viable long term relationship. Breakup threats will repeat and at some point you will break up.
The person who makes these threats is immature and likely engages in other manipulative tactics. The person is a package of drama.
The time you spend in the relationship is the time you lost finding someone who could be in a long term relationship.
I is also a convenient way to break up. You may well have been thinking of breaking up or have concerns, you have had concerns about having to explain why, or have drama, and his suggestion to break up makes it convenient. Likely if the person engages in extortion, there are already other issues that are beginning to appear.
If you didn’t breakup up at the time when the threat to break up was made, don’t ghost him. He will make a thing out of that. Just text him or call and say, “I don’t think this is working out.” You don’t need to give any explanation. He might shout or have a fit, but you are grown and should be able to just hang up.
If the person calls repeatedly or is abusive then it is okay then to ghost him.
About those exceptions
I am sure there are exceptions. There might be the boyfriend who makes the threat to break up, is surprised that you decide to break up and then realizes what he is doing and changes how he is in a relationship. You might have then end up spending 20 years with the person. Don’t bother me with your story.
Sure, there might be exceptions, and almost certainly there are exceptions. My advice is about strategies that are most likely to have the best outcomes. I am not describing the iron clad laws of relationships as if it was some branch of physics.
To the extortionist boyfriend.
Sooner or later the person is going to breakup with you. Grow up and stop all your stuff and nonsense otherwise you will be ending up being 60 years or older lamenting on social media that you don’t have a relationship.
Also, the word does gets out that you do use extortion to control relationships. People will avoid you.
great advice!!