Trying to make Grindr shame people to having sex with people they aren't attracted to.
Being jealous or rejected doesn't mean you are oppressed.
There is a page on Facebook which is constantly attacking guys who work out at the gym and also people who have sexual desires that don’t encompass obese individuals. They want Grindr to adopt a repressive policy against so-called fat shaming.
A recent post by this group shows that “fat shaming” is an accusation just thrown out on any pretext and ghosting is supposedly a crime when you are just trying to avoid a person.
Now, when you hear of the terms “fat shaming,” you might think it is someone who is calling someone fat to their face, or ridiculing someone who fat. However, this story shows that “fat shaming” is just suggesting you aren’t interested in heavy people, or even just suggesting that you don’t appreciate false profiles.
Also, ghosting, where you don’t want to get into a conflict or disussion with someone you imagine to be argumentative or given to being easily given to emotional outbursts, is now an oppression.
Before I discuss this group specifically, I want to do a little discussion about fake profiles and rejecting people on the Gay apps.
REJECTING:
I have been on Grindr or another app and someone says “Hi” and I say “Hi” in reply to be friendly and I then look at his profile. I can sometimes tell immediately or or soon see that a relationship with this person isn’t going to happen.
I say, “I don’t think we are a match.” This is a true statement, and also it avoids trying to explain why, which might be a listing of negative things you see in the profile. Also, it doesn’t necessarily say anything negative about the person. It leaves open the possibility that you have differing interests. It might be that he is into the outdoors, you don’t like leaving your hothouse where you raise plants.
However, I sometimes am asked for an explanation as to why. At this point, I immediately decide that I want to avoid this person at all cost. I am not debating why to I am not interested, nor do I think I owe the person an explanation and this person feels I do owe him an explanation. I am a little concerned also. Also, I am not interested in doing a critique on why I find the person undesirable. He is just undesirable to me and he might be someone else’s dream. If I was foolish enough to give him reasons why, the individual very possibly will have his feeling hurt and then be proclaiming that you are somehow an oppressor and you are this phobic and you are that phobic. Plus, I am on the app to meet people and not to denigrate someone or run them down.
I ALWAYS SAY THIS:
“I am just not feeling the chemistry.”
Love and attraction is held to be a mysterious chemistry and how unromantic it is to believe it is a technical listing. Also, it is your “feelings.” Now days no matter how stupid your opinion might be, how self-serving your opinion might be, no matter how absolutely inane your opinion might be, no one dares criticize your feelings.
Again, whatever you do don’t give any specific reasons. After this point if the person still wants to debate the issue that you aren’t interested, you can complain of being harrassed if the person keeps pushing the dialogue. Say, “I am feeling harrassed.” Since often the number of blocks you get is limited, you don’t want to use your blocks hastily or indiscriminately so shutting down the conversation without using the block is important. Also, once you have said you feel they are harrassing you I think that will justify blocking or ghosting if they continue.
Nowdays among some in the LGBTQXYZ there is a feeling that not being popular as an object of desire is somehow being oppressed. Somehow it is felt someone owes you sex. Given the new environment you need to avoid getting dragged into controversy. Use the statements I suggest.
FAKE PROFILES:
The issue of showing up to meet a person and finding out that they don’t look like their profile at all is a common one when using apps. It is seen as dishonest. I think people don’t expect that the person is going to look exactly like their profile, but sometimes the difference between the profile and the reality is really great.
The photo they used is ten years old. Their physical description is very different from what they actually are. They used image processing tools extensively. Information that is commonly considered important was left out.
Dishonesty is resented and people don’t feel they owe courtesy towards people who have misrepresented themself to a large degree. However, in our culture of whining, the people misrepresenting themselves feel oppressed instead and that they are the victim.
THE FAT-SHAMING EPISODE
The facebook group GAY MEN & OUR BODY IMAGE has the following posting.
“Banned for Fat-shaming. Why can’t Grinder do the same thing?!?!”
This Facebook group wants to regulate Gay life based on the experiences of straight people. The following is the link to the post.
https://www.facebook.com/ourbodiesgay/posts/4506540246111055
There is a link to this article, “This is the Worst Guy On Bumble.”
https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/bumble-banned-man-fat-shaming
So what happened is that a guy went on a date with a woman and then avoided her.
“Then, after a text convo that seemed to be going well, he ghosted her.”
Maybe it wasn’t going as well as she thought and she wasn’t getting the hint he was not interested, and being direct with her would result in her reporting him.
The article then continued:
She was bummed but didn't really think anything of it because sadly, this is pretty common. Then, this happened: "I found a new Bumble profile he made. He added in at the bottom, "Pleeeeease don't be fat in real life."
She was “bummed” because he wasn’t interested. When people aren’t interested in me, I just move on, and also, time isn’t wasted on chit chat. We only have here only one side of this story, it might well be that he realized that any conversation expressing a lack of interest would lead to trouble and from this article that fear is substantiated.
She took the time to track down his new profile. Sounds little like stalking to me. Taking time to set up a new profile seems to me an attempt to to evade cyber stalking.
The guy that had rejected her was tactless in his statement. He could have said, I think that your profile should give me an accurate impression of who you are. It sounds like he was running into profiles that were misleading as to a person’s weight. He expressed his frustration with encountering fake profiles.
Shape magazine reports that she is upset making this discovery and wants revenge. “Hell has no fury as a woman scorned,” as the old saying goes. The article reports:
So now, I want to publicly roast him for being a misogynistic pig. And by the way, I'm not actually fat. I can just squat, like, 200 pounds, so I have pretty thick thighs."
Obviously at least one person didn’t see it that way. When I was younger we used to be told that someone wasn’t fat, they were just “big boned.” Whatever. She took time to relate her story and post a comment. She must have taken a lot of time to do all of this tracking and posting, but being rejected I guess is a prelude to fury and obsession.
Bumble saw her post attacking this guy and removed him from the app.
Bumble thought the ghosting was horrible as well as the guy’s statement which was rather tactless.
MAKING GRINDR LIKE BUMBLE
These ongoing conflicts in heterosexuality are not my concern.
What is my concern is that the facebook group GAY MEN & OUR BODY IMAGE has the following posting.
“Banned for Fat-shaming. Why can’t Grinder do the same thing?!?!”
They are asking to apply repressive policies to Grindr, and if implemented, it likely would be applied in the other apps. They are using this straight guy’s tactless statement as a pretext to police Gay desire.
Let’s skip the issue of this Facebook group wanting to apply to the Gay experience heterosexual norms and practices.
I find lots of Gay app profiles with whiney complaints about the Gay community, other posts that are pretentious, some are annoying in other ways. I don’t mind it at all because they allow me to realize that person isn’t for me. Accurate profiles are also good since I don’t show up for a meet and find out that I wasted my time. Also, if they aren’t interested in my type I don’t mind, since it also saves me time. On Jack’ed there are African American profiles that state specifically they want to meet an African American. They usually try to make it less hurtful in their wording. It saves me time and I won’t be given some mis-leading pre-text as to why I am rejected.
Some of the profiles are fairly abrasive and some are strongly worded. However, I appreciate them since they give me a clear picture of who they are. I especially like the strongly worded ones expressing their bitterness over their dating since it lets me know to steer clear of them. (If Grindr was like Bumble I suppose these bitter people would be the first to complain to Grindr management to get people banned.)
If Grindr was like Bumble the profiles would be inexpressive and not informative.
Gays know that everyone isn’t going to be into them and they aren’t into everyone themselves. It isn’t really an occassion to have a hissy fit if you are rejected, and if you are that type of Gay person that is prone to have a hissy fit, Gay men don’t want to meet you either. “No drama” is a common place on Gay profiles. Profiles which clearly and frankly state what they are and arn’t into saves all of us a lot of time.
Also, Gays have sexual preferences. Some people like heavy guys, others like really skinny guys, and others mid-range. If Grinder became like Bumble, expressiong these latter two preferences would be forbidden because it would be “fat-shaming.”
For example, if Grindr was the way this Facebook group wants it to be, you wouldn’t be able to say, “height-weight proportionate, seek same,” because who is to say what is height-weight proportionate? (Excepting medical societies, but that is another story) So this statement would be “fat-shaming.”
Or if you aren’t into really heavy guys and contacted by a such a person, you would have to use the statement, “I am not feeling the chemistry.” You don’t want to be denounced for “fat-shaming.”
Let the heavy guy, or skinny guy, or mid-range guy, depending on your preferences, guess as to why you are rejecting him. If you were honest with him, he would likely be rushing to denounce you to Grindr. After all, if you wanted a heavy guy and it was a skinny guy you are rejecting it would likely be some type of shaming.
Also, on the apps the features allowing the blocking of people and the practice of ghosting people are a necessity. Some people can’t take no for an answer. Some seem dangerous. There are scammers and sometimes you are talking to a computer algorithm.
If Grindr was like Bumble, the Gays who love drama, and every rejected person would be running to Grindr management with complaints and your profile then subject to close analysis (nit picking.) You might find yourself having to explain why you aren’t into the person.
Also, once they start policing on one thing, they will be policing another thing. Isn’t height and weight itself discriminatory? Isn’t penis length discriminatory? Isn’t most everything thought to be rejecting to some whiner?
We face a situation where the apps will be run with policies based on the complaints of those who don’t find themselves popular.
Not skipping the other issue, we don’t need the Gay experience and practice be determined by what straight people do. This should tell you that this Facebook group is basically hostile to the Gay experience. I don’t want to be just like the straight people.