"Understand": A Word Often Meaning Gays Should Expect Less.

Don't "understand" the homophobia of your parents and others.

Gays need to be aware how the word “understand” is used to convince Gays to accept less in terms of self-respect, rights, and fair treatment by others.

The word “understand” is used in ways in which it means “have to accept” and what Gays are told they have to accept is less in terms of their rights or treatment of others.

An example:

“You have to understand they come from a conservative/Christian background.”

This is often made when a Gay person is finding the behavior of someone disrespectful of him, or hostile to him, or attacking him.

This use of “understand” in the above sentence is asserting that the individual who is hostile is not responsible for their own homophobia. The hostile individual has no individual decision-making capacity or can be excused for their bad decisions since the environment is held to over-power individual decision-making abilities.

The use of the term “understand” involves a hidden slander in that if the Gay person doesn’t accept homophobic abuse, they are uninformed or otherwise not comprehending society, for if they did, they would tolerate this homophobic abuse.

The use of “understand” also has another hidden slander in it, that if the Gay person doesn’t accept homophobic abuse, they aren’t an understanding individual.

Combined the slander is that the Gay person who doesn’t “understand” is willingly uninformed and not an understanding individual and who is intolerant.

It is also a misdirection of the conversation from examining the agenda of the homophobic person to what failings in “understanding” that the Gay person who is complaining might have. The homophobic individual probably has a lot of self-serving reasons to be homophobic, but the conversation is redirected to whether the complaining Gay person has an understanding nature.

Also, since the 1980s Gay Liberation has been in the news, by 2022 if they have a homophobic attitude, what a Gay person needs to understand is that these homophobes have consciously made a choice to be homophobic. It isn’t like it is the 1930s and all the public discourse is really negative against Gays. Even then, a parent is choosing to believe what society says over what their child is saying. At that time, individuals did have views at variance against the official views of government or the prevailing attitudes of society. The choice was also there in the 1930s.

If the Gay person becomes “understanding,” that is accepts this homophobic abuse, he is adopting a policy of excusing and tolerating homophobia in general. The “understanding” that this Gay person has is that tolerating homosexuality is a sort of an indulgence given him and this Gay person has internalized homophobic values no mater how much he might outwardly proclaim one or another slogan.

It also means the stopping of individual efforts to counter this homophobia or lessen being victimized by it. This “understanding” individual will find the efforts of other Gays fighting homophobia incomprehensible and threatening to his chosen policy of “understanding” homophobia.

For straight people the use of the term “understanding” is a dismissal of the Gay person’s concern over the homophobia of someone they know in common.

When it is a Gay person pushing “understanding” it is because if you aren’t being “understanding” of homophobia and that raises questions about their indulgence of homophobia.

The issue should be is when they are going to “understand” your need for dignity, rights and self-respect, the same thing they expect from you.

One of the more common uses of “understand” is to excuse the homophobic behavior of parents. The Gay person is told to “understand” his parents’ background when they are homophobic towards him because of one thing or another.

For example, if it is some conservative Christian background, the parent is released from responsibility for their homophobia and made into an automaton without individual decision-making capacity. The question as to why they have made the choice of their religion over their child isn’t considered despite the fact that many other parents have chosen their child and many religions are not homophobic. The question why the parents had previously chosen this religion and embraced its homophobia isn’t raised. The possibility that the parents have some self-serving, self-glorifying agenda in their religious faith isn’t raised. The possibility that the parents are self-centered and self-indulgent isn’t raised. It isn’t considered that they are poor parents and abusive.

The negative consequence to a Gay person is more than suffering homophobic abuse and adopting and internalizing negative attitudes in regards to being Gay, the dealing with homophobic parents drains time and energy from the need to build a Gay life and deal with the issues of having a Gay life in a straight society.

Also, however these parents might put on raging show or engage in various antics, a lot of times it is a bluff. When they call with some argument, hang up the phone after telling them that they needn’t call if they are going to go on with homophobic nonsense. When you are told your partner can’t come to the Thanksgiving dinner go to your partner’s Thanksgiving dinner or throw a Thanksgiving dinner party for yourselves and your friends who can’t go home. When you aren’t at the family get togethers for the holidays, attention will be directed towards your parents and it won’t be favorable.

If something occurs when you are at the meal at your parents or family get together or when visiting be ready to leave. Also, always be prepared to leave immediately. And even if there is an apology later, just put them on suspension.

Often when parents realize that you aren’t going to tolerate homophobia, the games and nonsense stops. And if it doesn’t, you need them out of your life. For some people being Gay can have the benefit in that the parents who aren’t good people will disown you and you are free of them.

The question Gay people need to ask themselves is, “When are you going to start living your life,” as opposed to the life others want you to live. Their agenda is the denial of your existence, you are not being mean to insist on your life.

You won’t be able to deal with your parents until you have yourself accepted and believe that you have self-worth, have a right to be respected, and believe in your Gay identity. If you, yourself, believe accepting or tolerating Gays is an indulgence then you won’t be able to stand up against homophobia, because you are actually on their side.

When you do believe in your Gay self, how to respond to others who obviously don’t share these ideas about yourself will come easily to you.

For example, when someone says:

“But they are your parents.”

You reply:

“When are they going to act like it.”

As soon as your parents realize you are serious about your self-worth and expectations of being respected, a lot of stuff and nonsense will cease.

And even if they never do accept your being Gay, you haven’t wasted valuable time on dealing with homophobes who would only take up your time and be trying to drag you down.

This is a major issue for the Gay community since how Gays come out of the family and with what attitudes effects the thinking of the Gay community and what the community will have in terms of expectation of rights and the willingness to fight for them.

I have digressed here with this one example, but with homophobic parents, or homophobic others you encounter, you won’t go forward if you fall into the pitfall of the use of the term “understanding” as to meaning accepting homophobic behavior.

PS. Not relevant to the discussion of the term “understand,” but if later your parents change their minds and want to re-establish a relationship, you are under no obligation to consider it and have every right to decise if and when you might want to. You got your life underway and it is baggage from your past. If you had treated them like they treated you, how forgiving would they be?

Gay life can be tough, you need to look after yourself and discard things that bring you down.